FOR MEDIATION THAT IS CENTERED upon mindful and civil communication and interaction to produce productive results, people on both sides of the conflict must have some self-acknowledged degree of humanity that is transparently reflected in their outer actions.
But what if one of the disputants does not? Although it is difficult for people who do their best to behave humanely toward others to grasp, there are people whose internal make-up prevents them from doing so, and these are the folks I refer to as conflict "wild cards."
Personality Disorders
After a devastating and debilitating time in my life being friends with someone whom I discovered the hard way was incapable of treating others humanely, I spent several years in extensive self-study about personality disorders. In my strong opinion, knowledge is power, and in addition, I also learned that knowledge is a healer. Although not professionally diagnosed as such, it is my opinion (as well as that of a therapist who treated myself and two of this individual's family members) this person quite possibly lives in the hell that is known as Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I also was friends with someone I believe may have Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) - again, not professionally diagnosed as such - but who exhibited much of the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria for that disorder. Fortunately for me, this was after I'd studied a great deal about personality disorders and I was able to approach our interpersonal dynamics armed with the knowledge of this possibility until I finally had to terminate the friendship for my own well-being. However, even though I was not as blindsided as I was by the person with NPD because I was aware that all the behaviors I witnessed were (quite possibly) a result of this disorder, I still was hurt. If I hadn't had a reason to keep this person in my life for a while once I began to suspect that HPD was possible, I wouldn't have done so - but just like the NPD situation, I gained knowledge that provides me with both insights and empathy I can share with others.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) are two of four related disorders classified by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders-IV (DSM-IV) as a cluster B personality disorder - those personality disorders having in common an excessive sense of self-importance and self-absorption - and often, very low self esteem. Also in that cluster are the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), and the Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD).
Because of their common dominant characteristic of overwhelming self-importance and an inability to see or acknowledge their part in any conflict situation (or that they even have a problem), it is my belief, based upon both personal experience and exhaustive studies, that people who struggle with any of these four personality disorders are almost impossible to guide toward civil and mutually amenable solutions to any conflict or communication challenge.
I am not a mental health professional; therefore it is not my place to discuss these disorders at length. However, I do feel it is my duty to offer links to information about these disorders, as I have heard so many stories similar to my own from good people who have suffered and are recovering from devastating encounters with people with cluster B personality disorders. Although they deserve our compassion because they suffer with an illness, it is also important to know exactly what you are dealing with, and understand that attempts to apply techniques and tools that work well with healthy individuals are often exercises in futility that can leave the person connected to them emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, and in some cases, even financially drained.
In my opinion, licensed mental health professionals are best equipped to serve people suffering with cluster B personality disorders – but the conundrum is they generally do not feel anything is wrong with them and do not seek help willingly. If they are involved in a conflict or other type of dispute, it is, again in my opinion, best addressed by legal approaches, as mediation is virtually ineffective. The same goes for people that are bullies, abusers and jerks (who may indeed suffer from one of the above disorders). I teach people how to deal and cope with such individuals in my Community Education workshops and Professional Trainings.
This article by attorney and trainer Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq of the High Conflict Institute discusses personality disorders in family court litigation.
I have provided some links* on the lower section of this page to help you learn about these disorders, and assist you in recognizing if someone you are dealing with may fall into any of these four categories (as well links to info about about bullies, abusers and jerks). If you find that is the case in your situation, you have my deepest empathy and compassion, as well as my best wishes. Remember: knowledge is power.
Addiction and Substance Abuse
Addiction always causes pain and suffering to one's self and to everyone their lives touch.
Addictions of all sorts destroy families, romantic relationships, friendships, professional partnerships and careers. If the dynamic of unmanaged addiction exists within any party in a conflict or communication issue matter, a long-term, productive and positive outcome is almost entirely impossible.
Since attempting to mediate a conflict when one or more of the parties has an addiction and/or substance abuse disorder is a frustrating and unproductive experience, the addition of a licensed professional who specializes in this area is absolutely critical.
Although the more blatant addictions (such as alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, reckless spending/shopping, internet porn, shoplifting, and compulsive sex) as a means to cope with and escape FROM personal pain are becoming more openly acknowledged and treated, shadow behavioral addictions TO personal pain (including approval/attention seeking, denial, verbal and psychological abuse/bullying, justification, pathological lying, blame, victimhood, gossip, attracting "exciting" yet harmful people into their lives, petty drama, control/power, etc.) are still being largely unaddressed.
Shadow behavioral addictions that become ingrained in our internal operating system and neural pathways in the brain are often the foundation of the more blatant addictions that are now being more openly discussed in today's confessional environment about vulnerability to drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, etc. But because they are more difficult to create space around in order to effectively transcend them, resistance to doing so has remained high, and looking deeply into the mirror is avoided at all costs. Unfortunately, those costs can include the crumbling of relationships, families, friendships, careers and health.
Mindfulness and Addiction
Alan Marlatt, Ph.D., a psychology professor and Director of the Addictive Behaviors Research Center at the University of Washington, has developed a program called Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention (MBRP). It is based upon the Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program for coping with stresses of daily living developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn, and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) created by Zindel Segal, Mark Williams and John Teasdale (based on Kabat-Zinn's MBSR model) for treatment of depression. Marlatt claims to have a high success rate with this practice, which is still being studied via grant funding from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism and National Institutes of Health. However, his program focuses on the blatant addictions mentioned above, and at this point is primarily centered on preventing relapses from alcohol abuse.
I've written and taught about shadow addiction behavioral patterns for years. Within my professional practice of bringing a mindfulness-based approach to conflict mediation and communication issues, one of the realities is the inarguable fact that mutually favorable outcomes in both areas can be impeded by the "wild card" of the harmful impact of shadow addiction behaviors listed above; in fact, to the point in some cases where resolution and civil exchange between human beings is virtually impossible. Since I've witnessed in close proximity the damage done by the devastating effects of both blatant and shadow behavior addiction upon human interaction between my own family and loved ones, it became abundantly clear to me that I needed to add a third area of focus to bring Mindfulness-Based approaches to.
Although I am not a professional substance addiction specialist, I am convinced adding the component of mindfulness – and its ability to intentionally engage the practitioner in self-directed neuroplasticity, thereby creating new, more productive neural pathways into the brain - is an empowering component in helping people manage addictions of all kinds, whether it is substance or behavior-related. Therefore, I am in the process of developing a Mindfulness-Based approach to working with shadow behavioral addictions that can be combined with the more blatant addictions. More information will be available soon on the Mindfulness and Addiction section of this website.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)
Wikipedia entry
Definition, Causes, Symptoms & Treatment - from PsychForums.com
Sam Vaknin, PhD. Sam is an admitted narcissist an author of Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited, who has dedicated much of his energy to teaching - and warning - people about this disorder. I cannot recommend (or thank) him enough for how he's helped me.
Narcissistic Abuse.com: Leaving behind relationships that make you feel bad. Freedom from relationship tyranny, control and manipulation. Consultant, coach, author, speaker, Ann Bradley, M. A.
Peter Fox, Psychologist and Relationship Coach (also info about APD and BPD)
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Psych Forum
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
Wikipedia entry
Borderline Personality Disorder: An Overview - from PsychForums.com
Borderline Personality Disorder Psych Forum
Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD)
Wikipedia entry
Histrionic Personality Disorder, In Depth - from PsychForums.com
Info from MindDisorders.com
Histrionic Personality Disorder Psych Forum
Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD)
Wikipedia entry
Diagnostic Criteria, Antisocial Personality Disorder - from PsychForums.com
Antisocial Personality Disorder Psych Forum
Bullies, Abusers and Jerks
Tips for Surviving Workplace A**holes - from Bob Sutton's Blog. Bob is the acclaimed author of The No A**hole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn't. His blog has lots of resource links.
Workplace Bullying Institute
"When the Bully Sits in the Next Cubicle," Tara Parker-Pope, NY Times, 03/25/08
Bully-Free Workplace
Stop Verbal Abuse
Bullies Be Gone
Abuse Psych Forums (all types of abuse)
The National Institute For The Prevention Of Workplace Violence
Mindfulness and Substance Abuse Addiction
Mindfulness-Based Relapse Prevention (MBRP)
Mindful Solutions for Addiction and Relapse Prevention - audio CD program by Stefanie Goldstein, Ph.D. and Elisha Goldstein, Ph.D.
Mindful Recovery: A Spiritual Path to Healing from Addiction - book by Thomas Bien, Ph.D.
* Please note that links to anywhere off this website does not constitute a complete endorsement for the information, products or services on that website - they are for your general information only.
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